


ive been thinking too much

by domharry1994



Category: Larry Stylinson - Fandom, One Direction
Genre: Angry Louis, Angst, Anxiety, Bipolar Disorder, Cheating, Child Abuse, Counselling, Cutting, Depression, Everyones fucking sad, Hm what else to tag, Hurt Harry, If You Squint - Freeform, M/M, Mean Louis, Narry - Freeform, No Smut, Non edited, Oh, Panic Attacks, Past Abuse, Rape, Sad, Sad Harry, Sad Louis, Sad Niall, Self Harm, Self harming harry, Smoking, Yelling, attempted suicide, domestic abuse, not actually, slight - Freeform, trigger warning, triggering, x factor - Freeform, x factor era
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-01
Updated: 2016-07-03
Packaged: 2018-07-19 12:20:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,117
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7361299
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/domharry1994/pseuds/domharry1994
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry hurts himself and the boys only want to help</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This took an hour and a half but I really upload something finished. I really hope you guys like this. Lots of spelling errors and holes in plot. Help me edit this please by pointing out any holes. Kudos and comment! Trigger warning.

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡ X Factor Era ♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

Why does he always do this? Life was going good, the man of his dreams had started dating him and his band won the X Factor! Yet as he laid in bed with Louis kissing his neck he couldn't stop scratching his wrist.

Harry breathed in sharply as he cut his already sensitive wrist, another knock sounded on the door of the shared hotel bathroom but he payed no mind. He'd only be a couple more minutes. He watched as the blood beaded out of the cut, when the blood stopped flowing he cleaned his cuts than rolled down his sleeves, splashing a bit of water onto his face to clear up the redness. He plastered a fake smile onto his face and left the bathroom, only to be shoved onto the floor by a rushing Niall. 

"Dick." Harry mumbled under his breath and pulled himself off the floor. He stood up from the floor only for the bathroom door to slam open and an angry niall pull him back in. Harry crossed his arms expectantly as he took a seat on the toilet and met the eyes of an angry and concerned Niall. He raised an eyebrow at him, "what?" 

Niall rolled his eyes at him and got so close to Harrys face they were practically nose to nose, "harry, what the fuck have you been doing to yourself?" Harry froze and he felt his heart rate pick up as niall placed a broken razor on the counter. "So.. you brought me in here because someone broke one of your razors?" Harry shook his head and stood up to leave but niall placed his hands on Harrys shoulders to force him to sit down. 

"Don't act like I'm stupid Harry, I've been suspecting now for about two weeks." Niall reached for Harrys left wrist but he flinched away, niall breathed in deeply at that. 

Niall ran his hand over his face in frustration, "you know, my sister used to self harm too." Niall replied, staring at Harrys face to see his reaction. 

"Niall that's awful, but I know what you're hinting at and I dont cut myself-" 

"Harry, cut the shit." Niall interrupted him, his voice sounding slightly irritated. Harrys wide eyes stared up at Niall as he watched for his next move. Niall lowered himself to Harrys level and stuck out his hand, his eyes slightly glassy.

"I know the signs haz," he said thickly, "I can help you, just show me your wrist." 

Harry closed his eyes tightly and considered his options. He had never told anyone about his cutting and frankly he was tired of constantly carrying around all this anger and pain where the only relief was to watch himself bleed. So, without opening his eyes he pulled up his sleeve and let Niall hold his wrist. 

Niall was speechless, he knew it was bad; but not this bad. His entire arm was covered in fresh, old and deep cuts. Even some burns. Harry lightly flinched as niall traced the long vertical cut on his wrist. 

"When... was this?" Niall asked, tears streaming down his face. Harry took a deep breath as he recalled the night of his attempted suicide. 

"Ive never told any of you guys about my family life, when I was twelve my mom found a man besides my father and began seeing him and he eventually moved in. The night he moved in he.."

Harry looked up to Niall for reassurement and niall squeezed his arm lightly, encouraging him to continue. 

"He, um, would r-rape me, when my mom was at work. After a year of me letting it happen I told my mom, she immediately kicked him out but I could never stop thinking about it. One night it became too much and I cut myself and it felt like all my anxiety was gone and it was just me and my razor. I was addicted ever since. It helped with the anxiety and pain. But then when I was fifteen I went to my first party. I met this boy and we danced the whole night. It was the first time a boy had ever shown interest in me." Niall wrapped his arms around Harry as he struggled to continue telling the story. 

"After a couple songs of dancing we were making out and then he took me to the bathroom. He started to take off my pants and I told him I didn't want it, I didn't want it," harry was hysterically crying at this point, niall picked him up off the toilet and sat him on the floor. He wrapped his arms around him from behind. 

"He raped me and when I got home I felt so gross and I couldn't stop thinking about how much I hate myself and than I found myself in the kitchen with a knife and without even hesitating I cut down my whole wrist." Harry traced the scar lightly, "and um, so that's why I tried to kill myself and ultimately why I still hurt myself."

Niall shushed him and slowly rocked him in his arms, lulling him to sleep. His own face wet with tears as he stared down at the most genuinely kind hearted boys he knew, it hurt to know such a beautiful boy had went through such shit as such a tender age. He pressed a kiss on his cheek and swallowed back a sob. 

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It's been a couple weeks since than, niall had been trying to help Harry stop cutting but it was defiantly harder than when he tried to help his sister, his sister had no reason as to why but Harry had so much hurt bottled up it was hard for him to stop. He did nightly checks and sometimes he would go a couple days without hurting himself and niall would be unbelievably proud, than there were other nights he would cut himself so much he'D be woozy from all the blood he was losing. 

 

Harry was being spooned by Louis when niall snuck into his room and lightly tapped him on the shoulder, harry was already awake waiting for him to do his check. He followed Niall into the bathroom and lifted up his sleeves. Niall grinned at him when there was no further damage. Harry grinned back and was about to go to bed again when niall stopped, "harry you aren't cutting anywhere else, right? Because I'm not doing this to punish you I honestly want to help you." Harry clasped niall hands and stared right into his eyes. "No, we can do a full body check if you'd like, but I'm not cutting anywhere else." 

Niall believed him and let him go back to Louis, harry quietly got back into bed with Louis, smiling to himself when his boyfriends arms tightened around him. 

"Why do you always sneak into the bathroom with niall late at night?" 

Harrys eyes shot open as Louis forcefully turned Harry to look at him. 

"Well?" He said a bit louder, Harrys heart was thudding in his chest. 

"Baby it's not what it looks like-" Harry was interrupted Louis pushing Harry off the bed, harry fell to the ground with a thud.

"Not what it looks like?! That's so very cliche you fucking pick, fine whatever Harry. Cheat on me as much as you like. We're fucking over!" Louis screamed slamming the door behind him. Harry let out a loud cry and began to scratch at his wrists, rushing to the bathroom to get the relief he desperately needed. 

He raised the carpet and grabbed the razor he hid under it for emergency purposes. He stared at his vertical cut, wondering if he should reopen it. 

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The next morning was very quiet, niall had a black eye and Harry was very fidgety, his fingers gripping onto the end of his sleeve. Louis glared at Harry the while time throughout breakfast, quite often making snide comments how Harrys a "cheating bastard". It was a tense dinner spent at the restaurant, and the whole team was there. Harry left abruptly during breakfast and he could hear Louis saying how he was probably horny and was going to hit up the waiter. 

He felt like he couldn't breath, his panic attacks didn't come too often but when they did Louis always knew how to calm him down. Now Louis was the one who caused the panic attack. He closed his eyes and tried counting to ten but nothing was working, he felt like he was underwater. He jumped as the door opened behind him and Zayn came outside, 

"Dude you okay? I know Louis can be a bit much at times but, are you okay?" Zayn asked and than noticed him struggling to breath. He lit up a cigarette and passed it to Harry, something he used to do for him when he couldn't control his panic attacks. Harry gratefully breathed in the smoke, it immediately calmed him down. 

Harry grinned at Zayn through the tears, "thank you zaynie." But Zayn wasnt looking at him, he was looking at his arm with a hard look. Harry rolled his eyes and put out his smoke. Great , another person who knew his secret. He turned to walk away but Zayn grabbed his wrist, harry let out a whimper in pain at the fresh cuts from an hour previous being squeezed. Zayn eyes softened as he rolled up his sleeves. His mouth slightly agape. He was speechless.

"Don't tell Louis." Harry begged, "please." 

Zayn pulled Harry in for a tight hug, his chin resting on his shoulder. He left a lingering kiss on the side of his forehead, "don't do this anymore babes, please let us help you. And please don't try to kill yourself again." 

 

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡ 

 

"HARRY!" Louis screamed from Zayns room, harry shot niall a panicked look and before he knew what he doing he jumped behind the couch and hid himself in a pile of blankets. He could hear Louis frantically looking around the house for him. He held his breath as he stomped into the living.

"Fuck you niall! Fuck you! You knew, why didn't you tell me you little bastard?!" Louis screamed in niall face, harry couldn't stand to listen anymore and popped up from behind the couch. Harry gulped as he took in Louis, his faces was red and veins were bulging out of his neck. He could feel the testosterone radiating off of him.

"You!" He yelled and pointed a finger at Harry. Niall got off the couch and rushed out of the room, not wanting to be involved in this. Harry climbed over the couch and hesitantly stood by his boyfriend, Louis towered over him as he held his hand out, just like niall had. Harry shook his head, regrettably. 

"No? NO!? GIVE IT TO ME HARRY YOU LITTLE BITCH!" Harry squeaked and ran as fast he could to the bathroom, already feeling his head get woozy from the panic attack he knew was about to come. Louis was right behind him on the stairs, making his heart pound significantly faster. He locked himself in the bathroom, he pulled up the carpet and didn't wait another moment before slowly cutting into his arm. He drowned out the banging and just focused on the blood. The banging eventually stopped and he heard Louis retreat downstairs. Harry stayed in the bathroom for God knows how long before he quietly unlocked the door and made his way to the living room. All the boys sat on the couch, the air was tense as Harry took a seat, harry didn't even notice the band therapist seated as well, he couldn't stop staring at louis who was glaring at him. He sub consciously picked at his fresh cuts through his sleeve. 

"Alright Harry, the boys have had come in today because you have been problems with hurting yourself," harry lowered his head in shame and nodded. 

"Harry please look up," the therapist asked, harry looked up and stared at Niall who gave him a forced smile. 

"Harry, I'm going to ask you to take off your shirt." Harrys head snapped over to her. 

Louis mumbled something presumably rude under his breath and liam roughly elbowed him. The room was quiet for a few minutes.

"Just take your fucking shirt off Harry, we already know how it's going to look," Louis said bluntly, harry knew Louis couldn't always control what he said but that still hurt. Harry took a deep breath and took off his shirt. Hearing quiet gasps in the room. Even the therapist was trying to look unnerved but the amounts of cuts was crazy. 

Louis couldn't help himself when he stood up and took a seat next to Harry on the couch. He gently grabbed Harrys wrist and kissed it, harry whined and tried to take it away, a tear streaming down his face but Louis held it firmly and kissed all his scars, even the long vertical cut. He looked up at Harry with pain in his eyes when he saw that one. 

"Oh my baby," he cried as he lightly touched the faded cuts on his rib cage. The boys all stood up from the couch and gave Harry reassuring hugs and each asked him to stop. The therapist left as they did this, seeing it as they didn't need her. 

 

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡ 

The next few weeks were hard, the whole band were constantly breathing down Harrys neck, constantly making sure he hadn't cut and constantly making sure the bathroom was a safe zone. They found the blade under the carpet and immediately disposed of it. They had Harry get therapy and Louis as well fir his bipolar disorder. Things were starting to look up for them.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry confesses to the fans about his self harm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Idk I felt like this was unfinished without him elaborating to the fans?? I also want a part 3, like a time jump to when they have kids?? Idk I I just see a lot of potential with this prompt. Anyways, kudos and comment and feel free to leave any critiques!

Harry took a deep breath as he looked into the audience of all the people he was so grateful for. His fans were the ones who had made his life into something he had never dreams possible and he was forever grateful to them. The stadium was dead silent, as he knew it would be. The fans were most likely nervous to what he was going to say. It's not like they didn't know he was hurting himself, it was all over tabloids and multiple times at meet and greets his girls would beg him to stop and it would break his heart when they showed him their curs as well. 

He's not sure how long he sat on stage without saying a word, he was the only one stage, sat in a chair was a bright spotlight on him. There was quiet music playing somewhere back stage but Harry was far too nervous to focus on anything else but his fast heart beats. 

Harry cleared his threat and grabbed his mic, "hello, my beautiful fans. Today, unfortunately is not going to be a concert but instead I want to share something with you that you probably know. But you don't know why." Chatter broke out among the audience and Harry could already see some girls crying. 

"So, for the past five years of my life, I have struggled with... cutting," as soon as Harry said that last word the crowd erupted in screams. Many along the lines of how much they love him and how he's beautiful. 

Harry flashed the crowd a teary smile, "I swear I have the most understanding fans. I know a lot of you have a hard time coping with emotional pain as I do and depend on hurting yourself for a release. But starring today, I'm going cold turkey." Harry announced, his hands getting slightly clammy. The crowd cheered for him. 

"As hard as it may be to expose yourself in front of millions of people, I'm going to tell you why I hurt myself." Harry stood off the chair and the crowd went quiet yet again, he paced along the stage. 

"When I was thirteen I was raped by my stepfather." Harry squeezed his eyes closed as he said this, already feeling dirty from remembering his rough hands gripping his skin. 

"Repeatedly. Up until I was fourteen I finally told my mother, she immediately broke up with him and I thought it was over. But than when i'd be in the shower and I couldn't even look at my naked body without thinking about him and the way he violated me." Harry wrapped his arms around himself as a tear streamed down his face. Many of the fans could be heard weeping in the audience. 

"And while I was showering I couldn't stop screaming, mu lungs felt like they were going to burst out of my skin. So I grab my razor and-" Harry cut himself off with a sob. 

He tried to keep talking but he was hysterically with tears, he felt relieved when familiar arms wrapped around him and he knew any other time the crowd would of cheered but it remained dead silent. 

"Thank you all so much for coming," he could hear Louis say into the microphone, "tomorrow we are having a Meet and greet and also Harry is being interviewed by Oprah about his experienced. It was lovely seeing you all tonight but Harrys going to need a bit of time to relax tonight. Take care of yourself and always remember somebody loves you."

 

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Louis held Harry tight that night, leaving soft kisses on his neck, "baby?" Louis asked nervously, harry made a small noise response.

"Have you ever... cut yourself because of me?" Harry tensed in Louis's arms but didn't say anything, Louis lowered his head, "you have, haven't you?" Louis felt his heart drop when Harry nodded his head. Louis pressed his face into louis's neck as he cried, "which ones baby," 

Harry sighed and sat up, he was wearing a t shirt so all his scars were on full display. Harry looked over at Louis, "you sure?" Louis nodded, harry pointed to an alarmingly deep cut. 

"You told me I was fat," he muttered quietly, louis let out a loud cry. "Oh my baby, you aren't fat I'm just an asshole, okay? You're fucking beautiful and I dont want you to think otherwise."

Harrys cheeks went slightly pink and he leaned in to kiss Louis softly on the lips, "thank you," 

Harry points to a faded cut, "this from when.. you told me about you and Eleanor having sex, in explicit detail." 

They stayed mostly the whole night, harry confesses which each cut means 

 

*hey guys sorry for cutting it short but I had to stop while writing I got really triggered while writing this but I'll hopefully post tomorrow *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed that! Now as I said before there will be mostly be a part 3 during this week! Kudos and comment ♡

**Author's Note:**

> So two things I didn't really talk about were Louis has bipolar disorder which makes him slightly an ass hole and yes there is going to be another part about Harry telling the fans about him cutting. Also Louis didn't find the cuts because they had only been dating for like two weeks, something I'll probably edit. Thanks for reading!


End file.
